England is getting closer

The time is getting closer and closer. I probably don't even realise exactly how close it is until we are jetsetting our ways across the globe. I'm getting more excited about the close I am going to wear while I am there. I'm excited to wear coats and scalves. Where I live the most exciting you can get is wearing a dress. It's not really the style capital of Australia, so you'd look like an idiot walking down the street all done up in nice layers of clothing. So thats my main drive of excitement to look forward to.

It's going to be great to get away from work again. It's been nice, lately I'll goto work for 2 months and then take some holidays, go back for another 2 months and then take some more... it's how working life should be! I still do not know what position I will be in when I come back. I'm really hoping just to reduce my hours and I feel the toll it is putting on my life and I dont even have a house and kids yet!

I'm really hoping that just maybe my boyfriend might actually really miss me while I am gone. We joke that he wont, and that he will be able to get away from me for awhile. It's so hard trying to teach him things. I've been trying to help him get his finances back in order. Trying to get him to pay his bills and save some sort of money. I feel like a nagging whore most of the time.

I'm getting really fucking sick of our time together being made up mostly of him drinking all night, and then spending the whole day sleeping off that drinking. I'm feeling right back at the bottom of his list and it's making me sad. I don't know what to do about it. Should I shrug it off as him being just a younger guy and still thinks hanging at the pub every day is how a man should spend his time? Or should I tell him to get fucked and call me when he wants to put me before the drinking? argh. Either way I'm going to be the bad person no matter what, even though I'm trying to help him out and help us out.

blah

I've got to go get my travel insurance organised today and pick up my ticket... it will start to become real once I've got that in my hand!


Oh and P.S. I've been thinking about it, and if I die can you please tell my Mum my website. I'd like them to have a little part of me if I'm gone.

I'm taking the plunge, and I'm scared... I've decided to agree with my friends and join them for a trip to England and Europe.

I'm scared for a number of reasons. The cost, can I afford to spend this money on a holiday when it should be going towards my savings to pay for my house? The plane, it's not Qantas, so will it crash? The countries and the people, will I get put in jail for drug trafficking when I am innocent? My boyfriend, will we survive the time apart?

It's not a long holiday at all. But I am a little bit worried about where his head is at sometimes. I found out some news on the weekend that made me a little bit sad. I think he gets depressed sometimes, maybe even feels like he is not good enough, or for some other reason he might not be happy with himself to the point where he would want to push me away.

He told me that he was thinking about breaking up with me six months ago, and I thought back to roughly that length and I could pick the time. There was some tension there and he was acting weird, but we got through it. I think he pissed me off a few times and I can see now why he was doing it. He was trying to push me away. He was trying to make me be the one to break it off, but I guess he didn't figure that I was in it for the long haul and that I wasn't going to give up on him that easily.

I never expected myself to be in this position. I never thought I could have someone that I cared about so much. Someone I knew I could be happy with for the rest of my life. Someone I would sacrifice everything for. But I am.

I didn't enter into this relationship with that as my goal. In fact I just took each day as a blessing and hoped there would be more. But now I just assume there will be more. Maybe I am letting myself get too comfortable and I am not keeping my guard up. Sometimes I think we need to keep it up to stay focused on certain things, like people. Maybe I need to keep my eye on him, and us. Rather than just think that everything will always be ok, maybe I need to make sure that everything will be ok. Someone has to look after us, and as the female, it seems to be our role to do these days.

What ever happened to the days when it was a mans job to look after the woman? he would court her, spoil her and provide for her. Evolution is happening, now I feel as though the roles are reversing, and this is not just for my relationship, I see it in others.

My dream is for us just to be happy, together. All I want is to be together. Money, location, possessions, all of it doesn't mater unless I am by his side.

I entered this relationship with no strings attached. I entered it expecting it not to last. And I entered it expecting not to be loved.

Well, I've attached those strings, I am expecting it to last and I know I am loved.

So if God has wished for my heart to ever be broken and never repaired. If God has hoped for my life to be over. And if God was out to punish me, then ending our partnership would be the ultimate killer to my happiness and my life.

Race day finally arrived!

Our local race day was held back a couple of months due to the EI going around. I didn't have as much fun as I usually do, it was actually kind of an odd day, but still one of the best days of the year for me!

It started off raining but then fined up. I got to see some of my mates that I hadn't seen for awhile and I got to spend a couple of hours with one of my best buddies. Naturally we were missing the usual crew that we have when the races are on. But because it was on a Saturday instead of a Thursday, not many people could make it. Plus the friend I usually hang around is currently living in England.

I didn't get many photos at all, but here is one of my cousin and I drinking on the front line.

I had my work Xmas party afterwards and that was also fun. We got back to town late though and I missed the curfew to get into the club by about 5 minutes! I rang my boyfriend who was inside the club, and we were talking to each other on the phone and looking at each other through the big glass entry doors. He finished his drink and then came out to meet me and we decided to go home.

Had a pretty good weekend all round. Cruisey, but fun and I got to spend some good times with him and my friends.

We've been doing a bit of fishing lately and since I've uploaded a photo, I figured I'd upload a couple. (I finally got a new monitor after a couple of months without one) This one is a picture of my boyfriend holding the Flathead fish that I caught one night on the beach. I didn't even know it was on the line. After we got it off the hook, we chucked it at the pelican that was hanging around and he ate it. Was a nice night :)

My car was battered and bruised

The reason I haven't been around? my monitor decided it was time to die.

Mother nature must be pissed off with my corner of the world. We've had gale force winds, rain and the other week we had the worst hail storm in the town's history. We were declared a natural disaster.

My poor little car was out in the storm and she was battered. In a couple of hours I am getting her assessed. So we will see if she is a write off, or if she can be fixed. Part of me wants it to be a write off as I don't want a bogged up new car. The other half doesnt want to see her go because she's been good to me.

I'd take photos, but without my computer in operation, it's too much fiddling to get the pictures on the web. I'm such a lazy person. I hate typing on laptops. I was thinking I should get one because they are so much more space saving, but after just typing this post on my Dad's laptop, I think I will pass on that idea...


Other than my car getting totalled, the other stuff in my life that is pretty big is that I bought a block of land. We are going to build a duplex on it. I'm pretty excited about that whole building my first home situation. Let shope that all works out for me.

I've got a couple of weeks off for holidays starting monday, I can't wait just to be away from work and all the crap thing goes along with it. Peace and quiet is what I need. Plus some party time! I'm always too tired to stay up late these days, so I'm hoping I can at least have a bit of fun while I'm off work.

Almost 25.... scary!

Rain, rain go away (Go and rain where it needs it!)

I had a wicked weekend. Well, I suppose it wasn't all that totally awesome, but I did spend the whole weekend with my boyfriend and thats what makes me happy.

I got a phone call at 4am on friday night / saturday morning from him letting me know where he was and if I wanted him to come over. Because he wasn't driving I told him to come over. I didn't want him drink driving... I asked him if he needed me to come pick him up, but he said he had a lift and that he'd be here in 20 minutes. Well, 20 minutes past but if I know my boyfriend correctly I usually double the time limit that he gave me, he is worse than a female. So it got to about 40 minutes and I was almost going to give up and go back to sleep, but he arrived and my window and I let him in.

The silly bugger did one of his mission walks again.He walked about half way from downtown to my house. I've done almost that length before and thats a good hour or so walk. He got to the top of the big hill and was fucked. Meanwhile it's pitch black on the road up the hill. When he got to the top he called a cab from the pay phone. I told him he should of called me but he said he didn't want to trouble me. I called him and idiot and than gave him a kiss and said that I loved it when he went on these mission walks to get to me <3

The next day we help one of his mates move out of their houses. I just sat out the front and watched the 4 boys do all the heavy lifting. I'm such a slacker. I tried to help lift some stuff but they wouldn't let me.

Sunday was going to be our day together. We went fishing at the beach, only it decided to be a shit weather day and it's pissed down with rain. It slowly eased off and we tried to do a couple of casts, but there were no fish biting and I have a short attention span. We decided to get some fish and chips and eat it on the beach wall and have a fish off that. While we were waiting for the food to be cooked the sun came out and it was beautifully warm. I told my boyfriend that I bet by the time our food is in our hands, it'll be pissing down again. And it did.

I was so mad! All I wanted to do was go fishing, catch some fish, take some photos (But my camera is ghey and the battery is even gheyer!) and spend some quality time with my baby, but the weather wouldn't allow it. So at 2pm we decided to just go home and rent some movies. So we got some dvds from the shop and watched them while we snuggled in bed. It was great :) Ideal weekend pastime...

Busy week and back on track

This week has been a busy one for me. I've been at a training course all week and it's been awesome. I feel empowered and that I have the knowledge and skills to be able to do my job better.

I also had a fund raiser that my team mates and I organised for our work's charity. That happened on Tuesday night and we raised almost $2000 so that was really surprising for me. I was hoping for $1000.

Also this week my mum is having our house repainted. I've had to move all this crap out of my room in order for them to get in and paint. Stupid thing was that I moved all the stuff out of my cupboards because she was going to get them to paint in there, but they all decided this morning not to do the cupboards... grr I was pretty annoyed because I spent a long time doing that, quality time I could of spent doing others things, like relaxing...

I also got to spend Monday and Tuesday night with my boyfriend which is good for us because we dont usually spend week nights together. I'm letting him go camping and motorbike riding this weekend with the boys. I was meant to be going but I figured I'd let him go by himself. So because I am doing that, I'm made him stay over for a couple of nights. I don't know how I'm going to last (but I usually do), I want to see him now and it's only been 2 nights apart! I can go up to almost 2 weeks without seeing him though, so I'm pretty sure I'll get through it.

I'm going to spend my time going for a shopping trip up the coast for the day. It's almost race day again and it's time to start seeing whats out there!

My weekend away!

For Harold's sake lets try blogger in order to fix the stupid comments bug from that other news script I was using.....

So how is this? a little bit better than that other shit?

What to write now... Christ, I have nothing!


I went away for the weekend with my boyfriend to visit some mates for a 21st birthday party. He was a bit short tempered when he picked me up because his boss just stuffed him around for a couple of hours, so I got to experience his emotions...

The trip was 5 hours of driving, and I think we were lucky if we had spoken more than 20 words to each other. I was all excited about the weekend because I was going to spend it with him, but I probably would of been better off if I hadn't of gone.

That night he didn't cuddle me at all, and the next morning when his mate woke us up he got straight out of bed and didn't even let me know or give me a kiss of the forehead. I felt pretty alone at this point so I was finding it hard to connect with him and talk to him, so I spent the day just hanging with the mate's girlfriend and baby, and we hardly said a word to each other. Even when the boys all got in the car to go buy some breakfast for themselves and the other girlfriend, I didn't even get asked by him if I wanted anything. It was only that the other guys asked me if I wanted anything. I just said whatever...

Eventually we got back to speaking terms, but I was still a little broken from before. That night we went to the local tavern for the party. I followed him around mostly, but there were times he'd walk off and not let me know, so I'd just stay there by myself. I tried talking with the family members, but it was so fucking cold all I wanted to do was find somewhere warm and curl up. When we were leaving he told me to take the next ride home because he was going to stay there and get really drunk. So I took the next car, but he came about 10 minutes later. I just hung out in the back yard with some others huddled around a nice fire. The rest of the night was about the same kind of games. He'd go somewhere without telling me, I'd follow, when I found him, he'd go back to somewhere else and blah blah blah.

I was really feeling like shit so I decided to goto bed. He came and tucked me in. About 5 minutes later the young bloke passed out on the floor of the room I was in vomited everywhere. I went and got help, but the room smelt so bad I went back outside and huddled around the fire in my pj's. I had a good time after that talking with my boyfriend and this other guy for a couple of hours. I accidentally walked in on the guy going to the toilet. Was so embarrassing!

The other mate was so kind to go and clean up the room and mask the smell of vomit for me so that I could goto sleep. He was really nice and I tried to thank him as best I could, but I get really shy around people I don't know well, and I'm not good with showing them physical or serious affection/appreciation. So I was like "Ahh you're a legend mate! thanks for that" and when I went to bed I looked out the window at him and gave him a thumbs up! hah. Thats how bogan I am.

The whole night I couldn't sleep. I was half awake and half asleep as I was subconsciously waiting for my boyfriend to come to bed, but I should know better by now that he doesn't come to bed when we are at one of these parties. I saw the sun rise, and soon after I went out to the kitchen to see what they were all doing - nothing much as usual. So back to bed I went. One of the mates came in to say something to me and see if I was pissed off, which I wasn't really. But he told me he'd get up my boyfriend and mate him come in there. When my boyfriend didn't come in I got a bit sad and had a cry as you may recall from a previous post I did about when I went to this mate's house months ago and I had a cry in the night. Well I had a bit of a cry cos I was feeling reeealy down by this point of the weekend. Lack of sleep and lack of physical and emotion contact between myself and my boyfriend. 15 minutes later he comes in and lays next to me giving me a hug. Being a stupid girl I asked him what he was doing and told him he didn't want to be there. But he stayed and we had a good sleep for about 4 hours before we woke up and it was repeated over and over again that he wasn't going to be driving us home, it was my job!

So when we finally left I drove us out of town (Pretty shitty I must add. The wind was strong and my driving skills are crap) while he slept his poor little head off. After about 3 hours I was getting tired and sore. My concentration was poor and I was loosing interest and heart in this driving. He took over thank god and instantly I felt so much more awake and alive.

I was really hoping he'd pull into our secret make out spot so we could have some alone time together ;) but he didn't.

We got back to my house and he told me he'd stay the night earlier that day, so I was really hoping he wouldn't let me down by changing his mind - he didn't. We watched some tv for a little bit, we sat there together on the couch. He lent on me and touched my leg just like I was wishing for him to do and it felt normal, it felt nice. We went to bed and we were both so fucked from the night before and the whole weekend that we kind of just passed out.

In one way I was sad that there was no physical contact, but in another way I was glad because I was so stuffed. I can't believe I went the whole weekend without raping him. I wanted to the first minute I saw him when he arrived at my house. I wanted to kiss him and hug him, but I didn't because my mother had come around the corner to say goodbye. I think because I didn't take that opportunity straight away when we first met up to kiss him, that this is why the whole weekend there was no contact between us and the feeling was just weird.

It's going to take until next time I see him before this will resolve itself. It usually does. We always have one really awesome week together, and then one really weird week where I feel like he doesn't love me, even though I know that he does :)



That post will keep yas going for awhile now won't it ;D